Soil.

The soil of my heart is shallow, choked by weeds and hard like a well worn path.  God's grace continues to rain good seed all over it, even though I struggle to make use of it.  Even in this time when my heart seems so hard, his Grace makes me remember my vow to him.  And a vow exists expressly for this time.  A vow is thoughtless and easy to keep when we are in the center of his will.  But critical when we don't feel like it, when the goodness of his Grace cannot be received and feels like stinging pebbles instead of a promise of his love.  In this time, clinging to a vow, I will gather his seed and take it to him.  More than that I will hand him the harsh tools of sowing, their sharpened edges ready for work.  I surrender to Him, not because I feel like it, but because Satan is ready to consume me if I don't.  Even in my despair and rebellion, Christ has made a way for me to see enough to turn to him.
I do so out of desperation, just like I did ten years ago.  And in his mercy, he decides that it's enough.  Though my heart is wicked and my motives are questionable, simply turning to him is enough.  In that moment, something creeps in that I had forgotten about: hope.  

Have thine own way Lord...