Study.

I am studying again after many years out of school.  The subject matter is dense and tedious at times.  Often while reading I find myself saying a little prayer, "Lord help me, keep me focused, help me retain this."  It's comforting and settling.  We'll see, yet, if it is effective.  Maturity in my prayer life has snuck up on me.  This sort of prayer hasn't always been around for me, this is a pro-active and sustaining prayer.  Most of my life I have relied on desperation prayers.  Prayers that started out with, "God if you are real, then..."  I suppose this comes with age and experience and maturity.  But it also comes with understanding who Jesus is and getting a taste of what his love is like.  20 years ago, if I prayed at all, I would have never prayed for something so tedious as retaining knowledge, or help in the midst of a difficult conversation, or with my own bipolar mood swings.  But 20 years ago, I was the king and I was not interested in relinquishing my throne for anyone, including the Creator of the Universe.  Well, until I was desperate.  Then it was "God, if you are real, then..."  Since then, God has proven himself real and greater than I could have ever dreamed or understood.  Gentle, patient but consistent and firm.  A steady voice teaching me who he is and therefore who I am through his will, while teaching me how to surrender my own.  I have made a decision to forge a new path.  I hope that decision was in his will.  Our family has been prayerful and (hopefully) obedient in how we go about things.  So now as I study, resting in his will, I can calmly ask for his help.  And it's not about getting a good grade or a good job it's about the wholeness of surrendering everything to him: fears, insecurities, strengths and strongholds.  It's about saying Jesus I need you.  I need you for my sick child, the restoration of my relationships and also to get through traffic and to yes, help me with this test.  So as I prepare for my exam next week and my new life ahead, I can take comfort in knowing that I have surrendered to him and let his will be done.  I've put in the work and therefore I won't have to be cramming the night before in studying and in prayer saying, "God, if you are real, then..."