My wife and I have experienced some amazing success in our children. Just amazing. Anything good we have instilled in our children, has come from God and God alone. It may sound like false humility, but it is the truth. Jesus in his goodness has allowed us the opportunity to witness his power and Grace in the rearing of our children. More often than not, though, I fail on subtle and then sometimes grand levels in teaching them. Sometimes I hear my own voice speaking in terms of Grace, using the language and the divinity implied, yet falling short of the real heart of Grace. I end up teaching Grace for my own comfort and sanity.
Out of the many things we teach our children, Grace is the hardest. I guess that is true in general. True Grace is hard to teach, even harder to exhibit and harder yet to receive. On one side of the ledger of our hearts, God has imprinted his sense of Justice; right and wrong exist and we yearn for fairness in a world that seems to have none. On the other side of this ledger is Grace: an overwhelming desire to be loved no matter what, whether we deserve it or not. These things are a reflection of the image of God in us. As humans we contain these imprints, but because the world is in a fallen state (waiting to be redeemed) we struggle to exhibit these concepts of Justice and Grace. Many turn their backs on the concepts completely, thinking it too hard or rather hoping these Truths don't really exist at all. Yet they remain and they haunt us. Our desire for Justice persists, no matter what we believe in. And our hope for Grace remains, against all odds. As we wrestle with these lingering concepts they seem in conflict. I think this is part of the reason people struggle with Christianity. "How could a Just God allow all of these horrible things happen, to me, and to the world? If Grace means that he loves me/us unconditionally, then this world and Love itself does not make sense." Most of us lean towards one or the other. Either we are really adamant about fairness and justice or we speak in the all accepting terms of Love. (Parents lean toward Justice and Grandparents lean toward unconditional Love...that's why Parenting is hard and Grandparenting is the best gig in the world!) However the more we come to understand Jesus, and our position in relation to him: the Creator of the Universe and our Savior, the more we realize that true Love needs true Justice.
In God's perfection and in his plan for bringing his beloved people back to him in this temporary and fallen world, Grace and Justice play out huge in the parent-child relationship. Among my own siblings I see those who are fierce guardians of what is right and fair and those who calmly distribute both love and justice. I see me own temperament as I look back through childhood, only wanting love and acceptance and circumventing right and wrong all together. I even experienced glimpses of God's Wrath and Judgment as my sister pushed me down the stairs. Parents are given the task of sorting through this quagmire of personality and emotions with little creatures who bear the image of God and yet contain no small amount of crookedness in the very same flesh.
My version of Grace as a parent is often just an attempt to keep the peace and I fail to go the full measure. "If you are nice to your sister, she will be nice to you!" Not only is that untrue, but it makes the act of Love conditional. Instead I should be teaching to "Be nice to your sister. God made her and made you to love each other. Be nice to your sister to reflect the Grace that God has given us, that we may enjoy each other because of his work and not because of our own. And the fact is, she may still be mean to you. But be sweet because that is who you are, who you belong to, not what you can get out of it."
Matthew 5:
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Because God Loves us, he administers Justice. If he accepted all the evil we have wrought on this earth, he would not be very loving. But if the only way to be with him was to be perfectly just and fair without failure, then even the best of us would have no shot. This is how Grace evens the equation. God loves us and he wants us to be with him. But what does he do with our sinful nature? He can't just accept it. I love my children, but I can't just accept their occasional rotten behavior. They can't kick each other, wipe boogers on the wall or run into the street. I must make a way for them to be loved by me. It is up to me to administer Justice in such a way that we can all be together. I am a sinner, just like my kids. Good and Bad, we figure out this Grace thing together. I often fail by the way, but by God's Grace he makes it work if I submit my own desires and failures to him. On a cosmic scale, God has to do all the work, and he has made a way for us to be with him. Grace is the Death of Christ. The Death of Christ takes the place of the punishment that we were to receive. Justice is served, we feel the conviction, but condemnation is avoided. We get to be with Jesus, even though we don't deserve it. If he let us do whatever we wanted, he wouldn't be good. While my child is turned away in rebellion and anger, I still love them, but cannot really be with them. This child does not have the capacity to rectify this situation on her own. I must make a way for them back. I must make a gesture of Grace, that still is Just. However, it is up to them to choose to receive it. Can they let go and turn a contrite heart back to their father so that we may be together again?
The Bible tells parents to teach children about the ways of the Lord, instructing them in his word, provide for them and correct them. It is a relationship built to failure. It just is and the Bible prepares us for that. In Deuteronomy, God says:
4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a] 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
and in Proverbs 22:6
Start children off on the way they should go,
and even when they are old they will not turn from it.
God urges parents to make sure their children have a relationship with him, for he is the one that truly Loves, truly administers Justice and ultimately truly Saves. As parents, our jobs become less about being the savior and hero for our children and more about pointing them to their true savior. Without exception, every parent and child relationship will fail. It is good and it is painful for the child and the parent when the child starts to see dear Mom and Dad as human beings, full of error and sin, just like everyone else. This directive from the Bible becomes all the more important. While we parents are our children's first impressions (the Good and the Horrible) of the nature of God, at some point we must be willing to let God be God. We must decrease so that He may increase. Children are meant to leave their parents, to put away childish things and to form new unions. As parents, if we display Love, Justice and Grace, then our kids will have an opportunity to truly understand them. However if we can point them to the Author of these things and indeed the Author of everything, then they can not only understand them, but live in them!
So I leave you with a little piece of the Bible from Paul that I thought was written for my father, but as it turns out, was written just for me.
Ephesians 6
4 Fathers,[b] do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
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