Sons and Daughters

In my house, I am the last to go to bed. Sometimes it’s because I am working late. More likely, it’s just the way I am wired. I avoid going to sleep in a way that my wife will never understand, it is the complete opposite of how she is wired. When I finally do make my way upstairs I pause midway up on the landing. There on a shelf my wife has pictures of our 3 daughters, current and toddler pictures. I like to sit on the step in the dim light, in the heart of the house, in the quite and I pray as I look at these pictures. I pray for our home, that it is a warm environment meant for bringing others in. I pray for my wife and our marriage, that it is warm and meant for serving others and providing guidance for our children. I pray for my daughters, that they would learn just how much Jesus loves them and that that fact would be the guiding light of their existence. My mind wanders in this time of prayer to both relevant and good things, but also distracting and selfish things. I worry. I fret. I hope our 100 year old home can keep from falling apart. I hope my wife will continue to be patient with me. I wonder what my daughters lives will be like. I wonder for what things they will resent me. I wonder what my son-in-law will be like. Afloat in this mental drift, God gently brings me back to his heart and his mind.  Sometimes I wonder if there is another Father out there, watching over his son, praying for him as he sleeps. As he stands outside his Son’s room, he marvels at the man his son is becoming: how funny he is, how stubborn, how tender and how thoughtful. Is this other Father praying that he can raise a Godly son, who will learn how to lead and care for his future wife? The other Father’s heart gallops for a moment as he glances ahead and wonders if there is a young girl out there that can appreciate his son. What does he hope for in a daughter-in-law?

Is it my protective parenting that kicks in when I hope for a strong man to marry my daughter or is it a recognition of the nature of things. I believe in a Biblical worldview of how men and women should relate, what marriage looks like and how men and women should compliment each other. I believe men should be the leaders of their family. In our culture, many bristle at this type of thinking and if you bring up the phrase “Wives submit to your husbands…“ you may be in for a fight. I can’t deny my own bristling as we consider the roles of men and women. But as I mature I have come to understand things differently. As I hope to lead my family and also lead young men and women in my career it means that I serve them. God wants me to serve others, not lord over them. This decidedly puts me in a position of submission. I submit. In order to do this, I need support and I need the nurturing of a partner who understands this. The one I serve, supports me. In the many women in my life I see this amazing strength, and often I struggle to understand it. It is not a lesser nature. To be a helper is not a lesser role, it is a compliment. To submit means we both agree that we each have different roles. This does not look the same in every marriage and there are a variety of ways in which this relationship of mutual compliment will play itself out, but my mind and my heart lean towards (gulp) a traditional view of marital roles.  However, now I feel I have a more complete understanding of what that means.  Men and Women are different in nature and purpose.  When lived out with understanding, the strength of one lifts up their partner, it does not push them down.  Our strengths make each other more, not less.

I pray for a man that can lead my daughter. I pray that she can support him. I pray that in leading, this man will acknowledge and bring out the very best and strongest qualities of my daughter. I pray that my daughter will give him confidence and build him up when he has been crushed. . I cannot escape how my own life shapes these things and how I view them. I have four older sisters and a mother. These are strong women, leaders to a great degree in the professional fields they have chosen. They lead companies, divisions, offices and each one is a highly valued and trust leader in their work. They are each a picture of success. They are strong women, but they are also a very traditional nurturing sort. These women raised me. They are all completely different, valuing different things and living their lives in unique scenarios. As I consider these women, and my daughters, and my aunts, I don’t consider them less than any man. Probably quite the opposite. Because of their value, my heart desires that they would have a good partner to lead them.  My Christian beliefs shape how I view things, but more than cold hard doctrinal beliefs I am guided by what I observe and what my heart longs for. I want great things for my daughters. These women are world changers. They possess qualities of strength, compassion, joy, reasoning and counseling that the people in their lives will depend on in great measure.  It is not because I want less for them that I want them to submit to a husband, it’s because I want more.  I want them to teach the men they have married how to be husbands and fathers only they way a wife can do.  And if both parties submit to following Christ and give their marriage to him, then they have access to a divine power that gives them access to the endless patience that is required to make a marriage work.  Not to mention: Forgiveness, Joy and Comfort.  If the two participants are forced to figure things out on their own, with no role models, no set of guiding values but only their own emotions and desires to guide them, then I fear they will fail.  Sadly, I can guarantee this failure.  And, alas, my beloved daughters may do everything "right" if there is such a route in this tricky endeavor,  and still have failed.  In this too, there is submission, a beautiful submission to a loving God who means to pick up the broken pieces of our failures and forge something more glorious than we could have chosen for ourselves.