Here's a Story, of a man named...

Learning that you have an admirer is equal parts frightening and exhilarating.  I learned most of what I know about secret admirers from the Brady Bunch.  My generations “binge-watching” was not on demand.  We watched whatever was on whenever it was on.  So, after school it might be a line-up of Hogan’s Heroes, Good Times and Too Close for Comfort.  But the staple of every after school line up was the Brady Bunch.  In the Secret Admirer episode of the Brady Bunch, Bobby creates an imaginary Secret Admirer for his sister Cindy.  He felt bad for her and wanted to make her feel special, to make her feel mature.  Like any good Sit Com plot, the effort was misguided and sweet and resolved in a half-hour.  I don’t think I ever had a secret admirer, but I do remember with intense anxiety that grade school feeling of wondering if someone, please god anyone “likes” you.  Like, “like” likes you.  Does any of us escape that angst, that pain of wondering if we will be liked, or loved, or known?

It’s not such a simple equation either.  I remember the status that came with the possibility of who might like you.  If it was someone that was gross or unpopular, then common knowledge of their admiration might make you gross or unpopular.  I remember the despair of being a child worried about status and consumed with being liked and trying so hard to be popular.  I think it’s why there are so many successful Dystopian Young Adult novels.  It’s because childhood, even in a privileged environment like mine, can feel like evolutionary survival, where we are pitted one against another for limited resources.  In this case the resource was approval.  And since Gen X was the generation before parents lavished their kids with praise, approval was a rare commodity. 

Imagine if you could express love without fear.  Imagine if we could just love without expectation.  Imagine if we could receive love without worrying about the cost.

The thrill of a Secret Admirer comes from a deep desire to be wanted.  Even if it’s a secret, just knowing that someone wants us and lift our spirits and our sense of worth.  It’s almost better to not know who wants you, because, like a Schrodinger’s Admirer, until you learn who it is, it could in fact be anyone.  And you will assume your own worth based on the status of the one who wants you.  As a restaurant manager for many years, it was no special thing to be recruited.  Any restaurant manager has value in that hard business.  Surviving makes you valuable.  Showing up makes you a star.  So, while being recruited by a head-hunter didn’t make you special, I still got a thrill when I received those calls or emails.  “Hey Scott, I saw your resume and wanted to reach out.  We have a Restaurant Company, I can’t say who right now, but they are expanding in your area and looking for talent at your level.”  “Wow!” I’d think, nearly every single time.  Someone has finally heard about my work, and some well run, supportive and great paying operation needs me.  Inevitably, I’d learn about the “opportunity” and who the company was.  Learning the identity of your Secret Restaurant Admirer usually diminished the excitement.  Typically, it was the same 3 companies and they all had terrible reputation.  So I usually deflated and stuck with what I knew.  But still, the thrill contains hope.  And that Hope speaks to something bigger.  That something bigger is not always something you can verbalize or internalize or even react appropriately.  Whether it’s a Secret Admirer, A glance across a crowded room, or a recruiter making a 100 phone calls a day, there is a longing within you (And it’s more than evolution).  Does anyone want me? Will someone Love me?  Can I be known? 

On the surface, all religion appears the same.  As a Christian, I participate in Christianity.  And sadly, most of those practices do feel the same as other religions.  It’s a lot of busy work based on very human needs.  We often lose the transcendence because life is hard and we are flawed.  But loving and being loved by Jesus Christ is something else entirely.  Christianity hinges on Christ, obviously.  He gives so much more than changed behavior or being good.  He offers something so much more than religious control.  It’s about something so big it encompasses the Universe.  But it’s also about something so small, that it encompasses each person’s individual heart.  Christ came to save all, but he also came to save you.  In this way, belief in Jesus Christ speaks to our desire to be wanted, known and loved. 

I began this train of thought reflecting on my own journey.  When I first came to believe in Jesus, I thought that “belief” in him meant that I had somehow gained all knowledge.  I was so arrogant and obnoxious in my new belief because I thought I had transcended the world itself.  What my behavior dictated in those early years of belief was that, “Now I have Jesus, YOU should follow ME!”  A lot has changed since then, but I’m still a fool in a lot of ways.  What I missed in those early moments was the very layered revelation that I had an admirer.  I had someone that loved me.  The excitement of my new life led me to grand ideas of my path forward.  The reality, which should have produced humility, was that the I was only at the very beginning of knowing something.  Just believing in Jesus made me feel like I had everything figured out, but the only knowledge I gained was his name.  Like anything worthwhile, the path forward is challenging, yet so rewarding.

In grade school, once you learn the identity of your admirer everything changes.  But the knowledge will change the course of that relationship, for good or for bad.  You will feel worth or despair based on the identity of that person.  You will only grow, if you choose to get to know that person in earnest.  It is the same with Christ.  Except that his perfection and grace change the dynamics completely.  If Jesus reveals himself to you and you can somehow manage to believe that you are loved, unlike grade-school, it has nothing to do with your lovability or whether you have earned it or not.  God is Love, and you have worth simply because he loves you.  That is a hard thing to accept on many levels.  In some ways it seems cheap.  “Jesus loves me this I know?  I want to be loved because I am great!”  In other ways it seems costly.  “How can he love someone like me?  I’ll never be able to make it up to him.”  No matter the condition of your heart when you first suspect that God is real, everything will certainly change once you believe that there is someone who loves you, who knows you and his name is Jesus. 

What you do from there, from that treacherous moment, is a choice.   Being loved isn’t an end, but a beginning.  You must pursue the relationship.  You must endeavor to know this man who is God.  You will not gain all knowledge in that first acceptance.  But you will begin to discover real wisdom.  We’ve all heard the religious clichés hundreds of times: “God so loved the word and Jesus Loves you”.  And for a lot of us, for many years that may mean nothing.  If and when you can accept the possibility to believe it’s true, then you can begin the real depth of relationship.  Your parents or guardians love you well before you can even conceptualize them as real people.  It is the same with Christ and that is why it is so important that God became a man in Jesus.  It means that once you become curious about his claims, you can then pursue a relationship.  Because he is God, you can be saved.  Because he is Man, you can know him.  Maybe that is why Heaven is eternity.  It will take that long for you to get to know him.  And isn’t that the thrill of love, getting to know someone who loves you? 

Uncertainty.

“An optimist is a person who sees the future as uncertain.”  Howard Lindsay.

I heard Robert Downey quote this in his recent interview with David Letterman.  It was a passing quote, but it is rocking my world.  There is a lot there in a seemingly simple quote. 

Optimism is most often associated with positivity.  I suppose that’s fair.  But, as a self-diagnosed Pessimist I do not agree with the implications that a Pessimist is always negative.  A Pessimist can be a positive influence.  While we all need positive people in our lives, we cannot assume that an Optimist is always the right person for the job.  If an Optimist has a positive outlook during a time when reality tells us another story, then that positivity can feel insincere.  When things are going poorly, sometimes “That sucks” can feel a lot better than “Cheer up.”

Back to the quote.  “An optimist is a person who sees the future as uncertain.”  What a revelation.  Uncertainty is not the real cause of anxiety; it is our reaction to uncertainty that yields either a positive view or a negative one.  As a Pessimist I have a sliding scale of healthy and unhealthy states of being.  It’s a spectrum for sure.  But at the base of my Pessimism is the feeling that Life leans toward unpleasant and unwanted outcomes.  Over time, life yields to the grind and the friction will eventually become too much.  A Pessimists mind tends to calculate the worst and assume it’s likely.  But on the healthy end of the spectrum, this outlook can yield a lot of peace.  A healthy Pessimist can be a real asset.  Instead of being a negative influence, you may find that a Pessimist is exactly the person you want in a crisis.  When things are trending down, a Pessimist can develop a really hopeful outlook.  They’ve prepared themselves for the worst and well, reality seldom exceeds their imagination.  However, when a Pessimist is in a dark place, the Pessimism fuels a hopeless Determinism.  There is a feeling that you cannot change any outcomes and as a result, nothing matters.  It can be consuming.  There is an overwhelming certainty that feels impossible to escape from.  This is the counterpoint to the quote that is making my mind unsteady (in a good way).  For me, it is the certainty that kills.  I’ve seen the future and there is no stopping it.  To quote Homer Simpson, “Can’t win, don’t try.”  BUT, the future is not fixed!  And a true optimist sees this.  The future is uncertain, and the optimist could not be more thrilled.  Anything is possible.  And because they are prone to positivity, this is good news.  When things are bad for an Optimist, my guess is that it is because an unavoidable outcome has arrived.  The Optimist did not see it coming.  Their future became fixed and now they are sunk. 

It’s such a subtle game to manage our expectations.  Do we keep them so low that we cannot be disappointed, but as a result we lack hope?  Do we insist that the best is coming so much that it prevents us from accepting reality and we alienate people around us?

My brother loves the Dale Carnegie quote, “Expect the best and prepare for the worst.”  I find this to be such a bridge quote between us.  There are times when I live as if the quote is “Expect the worst.”  There have been times when someone’s attitude of “Expect the Best” makes me want to puke or punch them.  The truth and the path is somewhere in between.  If you are an Expect the Worst person, find yourself someone on the other side.  If you are an Expect the Best person, please oh please find yourself a realist for balance.

This is example number 6,450,399 of why we need each other.  This is at the heart of why community matters.  This is why diversity of thought and experience make us healthier, more fit human beings.  I don’t want to be around a bunch of positive people all the time.  That’s not real.  That’s not my experience.  But I do need an Optimist around to flavor my outlook, to challenge my tendency to go dark.  “Iron sharpens iron.”  Goodness, please don’t surround yourself that look and think exactly like you do.  Optimists and Pessimists agree, there is so much more to life.

Bicycle.

I gotta tell ya, I really love my bicycle.  I have two actually.  One, I bought new, ten or twelve years ago, it's a Raleigh comfort bike.  You know, the one you see the older guys cruising on, but a little sporty.  It's really nice. I spent more than I thought I would ever spend.  Nothing real crazy, but I went into a real bike shop instead of Target, got fitted and the whole deal.  But that's not the bike I'm talking about.  A few years ago I found a bike in the dumpster behind our house.  I was walking down the alley and saw it sticking out.  I walked by.  Then I slowly turned around and walked back to the dumpster.  I peak over the edge: trigger shifters, disc brakes...it's a Marin...nice.  So I pulled it out.  It was pretty beat up.  It has a big dent in the frame, the wheel was detached and there was still a U Lock on it.  "Crap." I thought.  It's probably stolen.  And if it's stolen, I'm going to have to find the owner.  But still I was excited.  So I carried it to the garage, took some pictures and copied the serial number down.  There wasn't much I could do with it until I got that lock off.  So I headed to Facebook, found a few bike groups in the area and posted to see if anyone was missing a bike.  I also called a couple local bike shops to see if they could track down the owner.  It had a sticker for a local shop, but they could not locate the records.  This bike was about 10 years old.  I even went on to a nationwide bike data base.  I looked up the price of this bike new and it was enough that someone would report it, about $700.  After a week or so of earnest detective work, I could not find a lead on the owner.  So i thought that I'd see if I could get the bike in working order and then if I found the owner, they'd be super stoked!  I spent several hours of embarrassing efforts to get the lock off with various tools and potions.  I will spare you the details.  But then it took all of two minutes once I got my neighbors angle grinder.  I really didn't need much to get the bike back together.  I ordered a pin for the front wheel and watched a few videos on adjusting the cables.  I tweaked the disc brakes and it was ready.  I also gave it a thorough cleaning.  It didn't look new, but it did look great...Badass actually.  

The Raleigh bike was meant as a transition to old age.  I had some back issues, so I didn't want a bike that was gonna hurt.  But even though this Marin had no shocks and a hard seat, it felt good immediately.  The set up of the bike was a lot more aggressive than my Raleigh.  The Raleigh was meant to be ridden upright.  This Marin was a lot leaner, a lot lighter and a lot faster.  I had a route that I took my Raleigh on, down Tower Grove Avenue to Forest Park, around the Park and back.  It' about 12 miles.  A decent ride.  When I took the Marin along this same route it felt like the wind was at my back the whole time.  I was flying up hills that I previously struggled on.  I felt like I could have made the trip twice and not be winded.  I was in love. 

All of that is far more backstory for what I really wanted to talk about.  It's two years later, no owner has shown up.  I've had a few tune ups, replaced a few parts and I still love the bike.  Every time I ride it feels like a gift.  And I love how beat up it looks, haggard like an old quarterback from the 70's.  As I was tinkering with it this evening I thought how bummed I'd be if it got stolen.  True to my pessimistic nature I was preparing myself for the inevitable day when I'd lose this gift and of course the Raleigh as well.  The Raleigh's been neglected, but I still love her too.  Then in pragmatic fashion I began to wonder what Insurance would cover.  As I considered the free gift, the depreciation of the bike, I also considered the replacement value.  Items like this have two values:  what they are worth if you are selling and then what they are worth if you had to replace it.  (Matt my insurance guy, you'll have to let me know what my coverage is.)  There's also sentimental value, but we won't get into that.  The Depreciated value of the bike is not good.  I don't know that anyone would look at the bike and offer more than $50, maybe $75.  But, to get a new bike, the Replacement Value for the same Bike is over $700.  And I was evaluating the difference between the two I had the simple thought.  It's the thought that this whole post is about.  In fact this post could have been two sentences, but I really wanted to talk about my bike.  Here it is: God values us at our Replacement Cost, not our Depreciated Cost.  Each person is in fact priceless, irreplaceable.  If any of us were lost and needed to be replaced, he wouldn't consider what condition we were in or what our depreciated value was.  No, he would flip to the catalog and view the original, mint condition model:  The JC Risen Cross Deluxe.  God values each of us as he does his only Son.  The proof of this is that he gave his most precious son as the Replacement for us, so that we would not be lost.  We may consider that when we were new, newborn, that we left the womb perfect.  Or if not perfect, at least pristine in nature and innocent.  But like a car leaving the dealership, we begin to depreciate right away.  By the time we are 3 or 4 we are well aware of what it means to be selfish and naughty...and good too for that matter.  We know the differnce.  In our more mature state, some of us already think ourselves worthless.  But in Christ we have the fulfilled promise that we are worth more, so much more than we could imagine.  We may have soiled what chances we have been given and left all hope in a dumpster.  But no matter what we have done, when it comes to our value to God, it is Jesus himself that sets the standard.  It is Jesus himself that is our hope.  Can you imagine, that if on your worst day, counting the cost of all the selfish things you have done, all the hidden dark thoughts, can you imagine that in that mood you could somehow hear from God and he said to you "You are more.  You are mine."  If you could start to believe that then you could start to imagine the world changing power of surrendering to Jesus.  It's not about getting more or following rules, it is about realizing your worth.  And that worth comes not through your own efforts, but by knowing who brought you in to existence.  And God so loved you, that he gave his only begotten son, for you, for the world.  I'm not saying that it makes sense.  But I am saying that it is real.  It's better than getting a new bike.  It's getting a new you.  

My friend Justin recently found the exact version of his childhood BMX bike.  He probably paid more than he should have, but it was an easy decision.  He was, and I assume he still is giddy with excitement to have it back in his life.  It was gone.  It is back and it's all the better because a chunk of his childhood, his innocence came back with it (not that he was ever that innocent).  The Replacement cost for him was calculated by more than the actual worth of the bike, but also the rarity, the nostalgia, and time itself was considered.  And really, the value of something is always determined by what someone is willing to pay.  My good, good friends, Our God calculated the Cost to have us back with him... and he gave all.  He gave himself.

Burning Down the House.

What if the goal of being rescued wasn't to save you from the burning building, but to put you in the arms of the Firefighter?

If you are my age and you grew up in the Church, particularly the Pentecostal version, you were given a fair dose of fear.  The fire.  The brimstone, whatever that is.  The full burning in hell scenario.  Visions of Cold War Nuclear Holocaust and the Rapture swirled together to give an overwhelming anxiety and great incentive to "Be Saved".  We always knew what we were being save "From", but no sense of who we were being saved "To".  We got a full dose of Lake of Fire in the sermon and then limp Felt Board Jesus in Sunday School, and there wasn't much of a connection between the two.  If you gave your heart to Jesus, he would keep you from Hell...but the happy guy in Sunday School class didn't seem up to the challenge.  As most of us got older, the fear subsided and we had no real vision of Jesus, we just knew that we weren't supposed to be doing bad stuff.  All that was left was an arbitrary guilt.  And then that guilt turned into resentment.  

The Goal of the Church was and is, to save people.  But in the history of "The Church" most of what we remember are the screw ups...how we as the church got it wrong.  God Bless 'em, they meant well.  But anytime we lead with anything other than the magnificence of Jesus, we are going to fall short...regardless of what the conversion stats say.  I mean, what's the point of being saved if there is nothing more than that act.  It's great in the moment, but long term, it is not enough.  I think about a scene in a movie or book and there is a man on the edge of a bridge about to commit suicide.  Maybe the sensitive protagonist talks him out of it, or Superman catches him as he falls.  That man is saved.  But if something doesn't change for him, eventually he's just going to find a bigger bridge.

Some of us knew we were in a burning building.  Some of us lit the match.  Sin is the cause and the effect of the burning building.  It is both the personal action of the person in peril and also the very circumstances that make the destruction possible.  Some folks were born into the burning building.  Some folks are standing just out side of it.  In the Christian community, the testimony of someone being rescued from certain self induced destruction can be one of the most powerful examples of what it means to be saved.  Knowing that you are facing life and death and all hope of you having the ability to save yourself is exhausted and then somehow, Jesus saves.  If you are a believer, you know exactly what I'm talking about.  If you are a skeptic, this probably sounds like a bumper sticker.  I wish I could change that.  But that's my story, a bumper sticker.  I was lost, then I was found.  I was dead, now I'm alive.  I was quietly burning inside my own destruction.  I quietly whispered a half hearted plea into my chest.  Jesus quietly took me by the hand and led me out.  The better story is not the burning building, but Jesus continuing to offer his hand even when I let go.  He is leading me.  And when I let him, it is marvelous, the most precious thing to experience.  We talk a lot in the church about being saved, being talked off the ledge, pulled from the river and rescued from the building as it collapses.  I suppose it makes for a better headline, easier to digest in a church service.  But the bigger and better story is Jesus.  He rescues us not that we can just be safe, but exactly so that we can be with him.  And if skeptics aren't able to get a sense of Jesus' Love from you, then 30 minutes of describing how hot the fire is is NOT going to do the job.  Being safe is good, being with Jesus is better.  

1 Corinthians 1:
18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.

Self Destruction is not a problem for everyone.  Not everyone is in the arson game.  Some folks are in pretty good shape, strong and capable.  They stand out side the burning building and they can't understand any of it.  Why would someone start a fire?  Why would they go into the fire?  Why don't they come out of the fire?  Now, certainly, the person in the building KNOWS they need saved.  That doesn't always happen.  They can't always accept it and they may perish under the flames of their own matches.  But these folks on the outside have no sense that they need to be saved.  They are slowly consuming the carbon monoxide to their own doom.  They may perish never understanding what all the fuss was about.  We have to be able show people the magnificence of a savior who would come into the wretched fire of these lives, giving up himself to make a way for all of us to be with him forever.  If we cannot demonstrate the beauty of Christ, then no amount of hellfire is going to make sense.  They need to be saved, just like everyone who has ever lived.  But the whole point of being saved is to be with Jesus.  Heaven is only Heaven because Jesus is there...He is the prize!  He is worthy.  And we get to be a part of his rescue mission.  As others look at Christian who are active in the care of this world and it's people,  I pray that our lives are so full of Jesus that we cannot help but attract others...make 'em say "Huh, wonder what that's all about?"

Jesus Birth is God taking on flesh and walking into the burning building and feeling the very real pain of sin.  His Death means that he takes our place in the destruction that we might be saved.  His Resurrection means that he walks out of death.  He has saved us TO something, to life with him.  And why wouldn't we want to be with a God that would do all of this for us!

Outcomes.

Mark 10:17 As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

18 “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. 

Proof of a Broken World (God's Wrath toward his Creation):  Bad things happen to "good" people.

Proof that God's Love/Blessing is unconditional:  Good things happen to "bad" people.

On the surface this looks like, feels like and smells like injustice.  In fact, this apparent unfairness is a reason that many people believe that either there cannot be a God or that if there is a God, he/she cannot be Good.  But the ability to discern any kind of justice or fairness at all reveals our hearts desire for it.  We crave justice in our very core.  And that craving comes from...where?  

We all set up the equation and criteria based on what we already believe.  I am no exception.  I am doing it right now.  But even in periods of extreme doubt, maybe because of periods of doubt, the only criteria or equation that can resolve this seeming paradox is this: Only God is Good.

And while that may be an unsatisfactory answer to someone searching for meaning, it doesn't mean that it is not true.  In relation to God's perfection and holiness, there are no "good" people.  We all deserve "bad" outcomes.  In that context, any good thing is Grace, our very existence is Mercy, and Justice itself belongs to God.  We crave Justice yes, but we also crave the Justice giver.  But if we can comprehend that even the best of us is fatally flawed then we will crave Mercy and Grace even more...and we will want it not just for ourselves, but for everyone.

Only God is good and everything else falls short.
Mercy means that he has not destroyed us, we continue to exist.  God has withheld judgement.
Grace means that he has poured out his Love on all, without exception, making a way to his Love for anyone who seeks it.  If only God is good, then no one actually deserves his Grace, yet it is available anyway.
Justice means that because of this gap between us and God, there must be a reckoning if we are to be together with him.  A cost must be paid to account for our shortcomings.  A price must be paid to be in his presence.
Love means that God has made a way, that in his desire for all of his creation to be made whole he has made the ultimate sacrifice.  That is why Christ's Death and Resurrection is everything.  God died for us and rose again to be with us.  

Jesus remains the answer to everything, he is God's Love...he is God.  We cannot earn it and we cannot remove it.

Ephesians 2:1 As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

It's a Wonderful Life: Duty and Despair

I love the movie "It's a Wonderful Life".  My wife does not.  It makes her a little mad really.  A lot mad actually.  It's always been a mystery to me why she won't watch it with me.  In certain areas, we just don't see things the same way.  It's a mystery, but not all that surprising.  She finds beauty in things that are beautiful.  I am ever struggling to see the beauty in broken things.  "What's that honey, another black and white picture of a desolate, abandoned barn?"  is something she might comment.  She mocks with love, but truly she does not "get" it.  And she's not wrong in mocking.  It's a little indulgent to constantly plunge myself into dark things to find beauty, when beauty is also available in a more obvious form...nearby...easily accessible.  But also, it's the way I'm wired.  And the way she is wired is very different, and this difference between us is expressed in the way each of us feel about the movie "It's a Wonderful Life".

I talk about this too much, but several years ago I discovered that I was a pessimist.  It was such a revelation to me and really freeing in a lot of ways.  I don't mean pessimism in a negative emotional way.  It's just that fundamentally I cannot help but consider the worst case scenario and then to expect it to come to be.  When I'm healthy mentally, that means I am prepared for when things go bad and unfazed by catastrophe.  It made me well suited for Restaurant Management.  When I am unhealthy, it can be nearly impossible to overcome.  I become unable to see any positive outcomes.  Being a pessimist makes me cautious and often times unwilling to take a chance.  It also makes me pretty steady.  The real joy of being a pessimist is the possibility of being overwhelmed by gratitude.

My wife is an optimist.  She is the best kind of optimist because she is a hard working, practical optimist.  She thinks things can and always will be better...because she's going to make sure of it.  She sees things as pretty black and white.  Thing either are, or are not.  She indulges me, but the "why" of the way I do things will never be obvious.  I think she lives in a perpetual state of gratitude, ever moving forward.  When she is healthy mentally, she is working toward making things better.  She is thankful and wants to make things the best they can be.  When she is unhealthy, her potential for despair is crushed by her pure will.  She can then become fearful and controlling.  Being an optimist makes her productive and because of her heart, and she is always looking to draw people in to her world of making things better.  She understands gratitude and her natural reaction to it is to keep working.

When I view late stage George Bailey I see a man who has succumb to the grind of reality.  All the promise and potential of his early years are gone.  He is burdened not only by the responsibilities of his family and business, but really the whole town.  He is not like me, because I would have seen the disaster coming from a mile away.  

(I think) When my wife views late stage George Bailey, she sees a quitter.  It's the whole point of the movie, but she truly cannot understand why he doesn't see how blessed he is.  My wife is someone who is not given to despair.  It makes her an extraordinary strength.  The few times I have seen her feel defeated have been very unsettling.  The feelings that George Bailey is feeling before his adventure with Clarence the wingless Angel are foreign to her...irrelevant almost.  She might say, "Be thankful for what you have and work for what you don't".  

The hopelessness of George Bailey was, for long periods of my life, almost a default setting for how I felt.  Before I felt the love and acceptance of Jesus Christ I relied on self-pity on the low end and delusions of grandeur when my moods swung high to get me through...to make me productive.  I loved my family and I worked hard to improve, but my own efforts were not enough.  Underneath it all was this baseline hopelessness, the feeling that things aren't going to work out.

I identify with Merton's expression of despair.  Not at the time of course, but you get older you can see the mechanics more clearly.

“Despair is the absolute extreme of self-love. It is reached when a man (or woman) deliberately turns his back on all help from anyone else in order to taste the rotten luxury of knowing himself to be lost.  In every man there is hidden some root of despair because in every man there is pride that vegetates and springs weeds and rank flowers of self-pity as soon as our own resources fail us. But because our own resources inevitably fail us, we are all more or less subject to discouragement and to despair.  Despair is the ultimate development of a pride so great and so stiff-necked that it selects the absolute misery of damnation rather than accept happiness from the hands of God and thereby acknowledge that God is above us and that we are not capable of fulfilling our destiny by ourselves.  But the man who is truly humble cannot despair, because in the humble man there is no longer any such thing as self-pity.” * New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton, New

Directions Paperback, first published 1961. Pgs. 180-190.

It's this kind of self indulgent Pride that is an obvious flag to my wife.  She sees through it right away.  When I had come to the revelation that I was indeed a pessimist, I expressed it to my wife with a sort of giddy excitement.  
"Honey, I've realized something pretty interesting about myself that explains a lot...I think I'm a pessimist!"
To which she responded, "Ya think?" in an appropriately sarcastic tone.  She then rattled off years of examples of this obvious revelation.  This exchange brings me joy...that I'll work so hard to discover something so obvious and she'll still be there waiting for me.  There is just something about me that causes me to tease and pull apart, test and purify, to examine and discover things that are otherwise immediately obvious to her.  We are both a mystery to each other in that way.  As our marriage has grown stronger, we have come to love that about each other.  Much like Donna Reed in the movie, my wife is patient, wise, steady and supportive...also stunningly beautiful.  Mrs. Bailey, foolishly and hopelessly in love with a fool waits and hopes for her husband to discover what is so painfully obvious to her.  

I'll always view the world through a sort of despairing fog.  But I also have hope.  Because of this Hope, I can push through the fog, knowing that good things lie beyond.  I am blessed beyond measure.  I am privileged to Love, to be Loved and to have always known Love.  It is only through the ultimate Love of Christ that I have been able to accept this.  My wife will always work with purpose and duty.  It can make her blind to things she does not want to see, it can make it hard to accept things as they really are.  But it is her Love for Jesus that calms her and puts her at ease when her own flesh tells her she should be earning his Love.  As George Bailey finally realizes how good he has it he is overwhelmed with Gratitude.  And it's not just gratitude for what he actually has, but gratitude for the opportunity to see it.  This is what gets me, because this happens to me now on a regular basis.  In spite of my potential to dip into the dark, there are moments when the beauty of this Life and it's participants just become so obvious that I am crushed with joy.  I'm usually the last to go to bed each night.  As I'm locking doors and flipping off lights my subconscious does a George Bailey sort of check list of what things could be and what they really are.  Yes, there is plenty to despair about but then: look at these children, look at this roof over our head, look at what I have made with this amazing woman.  It's the type of gratitude that you just can't work for, you can't count your blessings and talk yourself into it.  It's a gratitude that is a pure gift of God.  And though I am blessed beyond what I deserve, it is a gratitude that would be present in any circumstances.  It's a gratitude I have felt in my darkest moments.  I suppose that is why I explore the way I do and plumb the depths of this human condition.  It's the strangest sort of optimism to expect to find Hope where there appears to be none...to look for beauty in the broken.  It's the strangest optimism and it seems like a contradiction.  We even wear a symbol of pain around our necks that represents joy.  We look upon a instrument of torture in the cross and see the ultimate hope for us all. We celebrate a baby and call him the Savior. I'm not saying it makes sense, but I am saying that it is true.

Awful Beauty.

The beautiful.  The awful.  The heart of man and woman.

We read old things, 100 year old books or 1000 year old stories and we marvel that such simple folks could predict so well the current state of affairs.  We are amazed at their inspired writing, that somehow in their primitive state that they could muse about the future so accurately.  But it is our own dim arrogance that calls it prophecy.  Someone writing about the state of the world all those years ago and yet we can only view our own present sufferings.  Things are awful, but that is nothing new.  The characters have changed, but their character has not.  The details may seem more perverse, but they are not...they are the same...they are the same as Orwell or Shakespeare or Steinbeck or Solomon described.  It is beautiful and it is awful.  It is the heart of man and woman.  There is nothing new under the sun.  Things seem bleak, but they wax and wane, build up and destroy.  The darkness cannot endure forever though, it is temporary.  Hope is more than light in a dark place, it is the very permanence of our universe.  It's okay that we can't conceive of it.  Hopes existence doesn't rely on our belief.  It will prevail because that is it's very nature, the nature of God.  God is Eternal, Hope is Eternal, Despair is fleeting.  God is Love.  Perfect Love drives out Fear.   

I take weird comfort in our discomfort...it can only be temporary.  Not that it is not awful, it truly is.  Many suffer on enormous scale.  That's what makes things all the more miraculous when something beautiful can shift the weight of the universe so easily.  Something small and sweet can overcome a mountain of misery.  It's because the beauty speaks of the Eternal.  Even if the bondage of time only allows us a glimpse, it is enough for our souls to recognize home, to see the truth of what things are meant to be and what they will be.  To gain Hope.  Eternity is more than "a really long time".  Eternity is those truest moments made full, absent of the fog of time, Hope fulfilled.  Eternity with Christ is an ecstatic gasp that never ends.  Awe.