Once in a while, sometimes in joy and sometimes in suffering I come to this question: "Do I really believe?". That is the essence of a question that takes on many forms. Here are some others, "Is Faith a reasonable thing?" "Have I fooled myself into believing out of Fear? Comfort? Laziness?" It makes me wonder, did I really give unbelief a chance?
God Forgive me as I let my mind pursue that last question. If I am going to pursue unbelief, that leaves me with two options (for the purpose of this exercise): Seek alternate explanations for the questions that still remain OR Become truly agnostic, not knowing and not seeking. I am a seeker by nature, so the latter will be difficult. Being a seeker will be hard as well. In my Christian walk I have still had the luxury to be open to all sorts of discovery. As a Christian, Science is a critical vehicle for discovery and a way of understanding the wonders of God. Theories like Evolution are not the enemy of Faith or the Bible. Now, though, if I take a secular path I will lose a vast sphere of my intellectual options in making sense of the universe. If the unexplainable cannot be explained, then they must be dismissed until they can be explained. Their unpredictability eliminates them from the equation. But that approach doesn't really address the question underneath the question in this search for answers. The question underneath that problem is the problem of Faith itself. Unbelief in God does not necessarily eliminate Faith. Science is, at it's root, a search for order. An expectation for order may be a little closer to Faith than it would first appear. And it is that expectation for there to be order that introduces the element of Faith into the Science. Take Evolution as a concept and try to describe it or perhaps explain what we know about the beginning of the Universe and try to comprehend what 14 billion years means. Though we have information and predictability there is still an element of Faith in presuming we know anything. We have Faith in our own capacity to understand, even though these concepts should boggle our minds. It's not only Faith in our own abilities but I am also putting Faith into the intellect and explanations of Darwin, Einstein, Hawking and so many other names that I don't even know by which I have been influenced. Our minds seek order, and with a little information I can come up with rudimentary explanations. But with so much time involved and variables approaching infinity, only a fool could expect a unified comprehensible explanation of everything. If we make it more personal, even the capacity to ask "What does it all mean?" presents a philosophical journey to which some devote their entire lives. The point is that even if I were to cling on to some answers that were devoid of the mystical, mysterious and supernatural, we will still be left with the philosophical "Why?" And like a child relentlessly asking questions you get, "And what came before that?" at the end of each explanation. There is a certain point where every path becomes unknowable. The elimination of doubt in any pursuit seems untenable. And if you can't eliminate doubt, it would be hard to function without faith.
Suddenly, the Agnostic approach doesn't seem so bad. Perhaps I can enjoy the Joys of this life just as they come or even endure the Pain without total despair, because in the end: none of us really knows anything. What about Love though? Do I chalk it up to a evolutionary chemical process? Beauty? Why would a sunset stir me so? Death? Can I really face my own immortality and shrug? How can I stop my mind from pursuing these questions? Because if I did chase any thought it would lead me to need an answer, be it secular or spiritual. And why does my mind want to know? Why do I seek to discover?
My own questioning makes me tired. Perhaps belief in God is a surrender of sorts. I have tired of my own pursuits and decided that everything that I cannot explain I will put under the category of God. God is my coping mechanism. Were that true and if I could really surrender to this coping God, I would still be disappointed. In this model, nothing achieves real significance. God is distant, neither comforting, nor rejoicing, nor punitive. The lows never convict and the highs never redeem. A distant God may keep the hard questions at bay, but it also keeps real joy and growth away. God is personal and he has set forth the Universe that we may each discover him on this basis. There is nothing more revolutionary than the concept of a personal God, a savior that not only addresses you by name, but one that will not leave you alone if you have called on his name.
I was recently watching the Going Clear documentary about Scientology. Those exposes get uncomfortable as people describe the mystical and miraculous with the same convincing tone and rationality that I myself use about my faith. But the power of Faith is in the object of that Faith. From Mormonism to Scientology to Christianity the stories are crazy. At face value, I don't know how I could convince anyone that one was true and the rest were hogwash. That is, if it weren't for the person of Jesus Christ. Nothing compares. Nothing compares to the completeness of his life and his story in Cosmic terms and in very personal terms. In the documentary a man describes the difference between Faith and a Cult.
"radical Islam, and other cults, the one common factor he found was that all these extreme faiths feature a “crushing sense of certainty.” He says they have no room for doubt, which means they have no room for questioning"
I haven't been very thorough or scientific in my approach to exploring this doubt, but I think it is important to make the attempt. At least for me it is. If I claim that Christ is who he says he is, The Truth, then my search for truth will always lead me to him. I would like to think that is why in my seeking, I could not shake his presence. It seems that trying to go without Jesus is like trying to go without air. It's just not healthy. The Gospel keeps creeping into every thought and conversation and I even see it in the dying leaves that will spring forth renewed once again. I hear his name and my heart races. Not out of fear, but out of excitement. One day, his Kingdom will come. I can't escape that thought anymore than I can escape knowing that in a few hours the earth will spin round to reveal the sun again. I don't have proof, but I do have evidence, and that evidence has formed and informed belief. Search for that evidence began in doubt. Doubt is a big beautiful question mark etched in our DNA that bids us to seek out our maker, that we might know him....that we might be saved.
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen not only because I see it but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis
We don't make life altering decisions in a vacuum. None of us is truly and completely clinical or exclusively emotional, devoid of rationality. We must all process all of our experiences in pain and deduction and beauty and joy and make certain conclusions using the best of our faculties. We are all tarnished and warped and at times see things so clear and at others, so dim. The miracle of all miracles is that Jesus seeks us where we are and how we are and uses all we are to retrieve us. I don't understand it, that is just who he is.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Mercy and Conflict
It's strange, but I am realizing that there is mercy in conflict. Over the last few years I have been learning about the beauty of restraint, the poetry of tethers, and the contentment in consequence. It takes a while for this thought to take hold, that getting everything you want may not be what's best for you. Under this umbrella of thinking it's possible to see the peace present in struggle.
It's easy to get frustrated, even hopeless when we look at our lawmakers and neighbors engaged in endless conflict. Is it possible that this gridlock may be for our own good. Checks and balances were built into our Constitution so that no one branch of government would gain too much power. The consequence is there is a struggle to get anything done. The very struggle for one person or company or group to gain power over another is in it's self, limiting.
The desire to get things done is a strong one. In our hearts we think, "If everyone would just listen to me and do what I say, everything would be perfect." But none is without wickedness, not none.
When Obama was elected, I was in awe of the feeling. I wasn't entirely in line with his politics but I remember watching election night being filled with hope. I supposed I yearned for a righteous man that I knew I wasn't. He could change everything. Recently I was reminded of this by a Gwenyth Paltrow quote hinting at the same thing:
“I am one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest, and have been since the inception of your campaign,” Paltrow said. “It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass,” she added.
Even the most liberal parts of my heart cringe at the thought of one man having complete power. In the conflict between the right and left is mercy. There is brilliance in our awful system, checks and balances multiplied so that almost nothing gets done. It's almost as if the chaos governs our passions, preventing one viewpoint, idea or worldview from dominating. It was not as the founding fathers intended, but there is grace in our ineptitude.
So there are a couple things happening here. One is that we are actually better off when we don't get everything we ever wanted. No one likes a spoiled brat. In a more serious thought, there are many times when a group or a country or many nations gave ultimate power to one man or one ruling class or those ruling powers took them. The results have been catastrophic. I only need to say one name, Hitler. Yet the circumstances of Hitler's rise were born out of a despairing country's hope for something better, the hope for a righteous man to rule them, to bring them glory. This is not a unrighteous hope. This hope is the hope of all hopes. This hope that burns in the hearts of men and women is the right hope. More often than not though we put hope in the wrong person. There is only one worthy of this hope, only one who saves, only one who redeems. We ache for a hero and a savior, we settle for Obama or some other figure who falls well short.
I have ruled my own world and failed. I have attempted to be the savior for others and I have failed. I have yearned for oneness and the end to conflict and found that yearning unsatisfied if not even ridiculous. Surrender to Christ is the only thing that makes sense, and he is the only one worthy of this hope that remains in us all. Praise him.
It's easy to get frustrated, even hopeless when we look at our lawmakers and neighbors engaged in endless conflict. Is it possible that this gridlock may be for our own good. Checks and balances were built into our Constitution so that no one branch of government would gain too much power. The consequence is there is a struggle to get anything done. The very struggle for one person or company or group to gain power over another is in it's self, limiting.
The desire to get things done is a strong one. In our hearts we think, "If everyone would just listen to me and do what I say, everything would be perfect." But none is without wickedness, not none.
When Obama was elected, I was in awe of the feeling. I wasn't entirely in line with his politics but I remember watching election night being filled with hope. I supposed I yearned for a righteous man that I knew I wasn't. He could change everything. Recently I was reminded of this by a Gwenyth Paltrow quote hinting at the same thing:
“I am one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest, and have been since the inception of your campaign,” Paltrow said. “It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass,” she added.
Even the most liberal parts of my heart cringe at the thought of one man having complete power. In the conflict between the right and left is mercy. There is brilliance in our awful system, checks and balances multiplied so that almost nothing gets done. It's almost as if the chaos governs our passions, preventing one viewpoint, idea or worldview from dominating. It was not as the founding fathers intended, but there is grace in our ineptitude.
So there are a couple things happening here. One is that we are actually better off when we don't get everything we ever wanted. No one likes a spoiled brat. In a more serious thought, there are many times when a group or a country or many nations gave ultimate power to one man or one ruling class or those ruling powers took them. The results have been catastrophic. I only need to say one name, Hitler. Yet the circumstances of Hitler's rise were born out of a despairing country's hope for something better, the hope for a righteous man to rule them, to bring them glory. This is not a unrighteous hope. This hope is the hope of all hopes. This hope that burns in the hearts of men and women is the right hope. More often than not though we put hope in the wrong person. There is only one worthy of this hope, only one who saves, only one who redeems. We ache for a hero and a savior, we settle for Obama or some other figure who falls well short.
I have ruled my own world and failed. I have attempted to be the savior for others and I have failed. I have yearned for oneness and the end to conflict and found that yearning unsatisfied if not even ridiculous. Surrender to Christ is the only thing that makes sense, and he is the only one worthy of this hope that remains in us all. Praise him.
Psalm 96
1 Sing to the Lord a new song;
sing to the Lord, all the earth.
2 Sing to the Lord, praise his name;
proclaim his salvation day after day.
3 Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all peoples.
sing to the Lord, all the earth.
2 Sing to the Lord, praise his name;
proclaim his salvation day after day.
3 Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all peoples.
4 For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
he is to be feared above all gods.
5 For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the Lord made the heavens.
6 Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and glory are in his sanctuary.
he is to be feared above all gods.
5 For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the Lord made the heavens.
6 Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and glory are in his sanctuary.
7 Ascribe to the Lord, all you families of nations,
ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
8 Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
bring an offering and come into his courts.
9 Worship the Lord in the splendor of his[a] holiness;
tremble before him, all the earth.
10 Say among the nations, “The Lord reigns.”
The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved;
he will judge the peoples with equity.
ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
8 Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
bring an offering and come into his courts.
9 Worship the Lord in the splendor of his[a] holiness;
tremble before him, all the earth.
10 Say among the nations, “The Lord reigns.”
The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved;
he will judge the peoples with equity.
11 Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
let the sea resound, and all that is in it.
12 Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them;
let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.
13 Let all creation rejoice before the Lord, for he comes,
he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness
and the peoples in his faithfulness.
let the sea resound, and all that is in it.
12 Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them;
let all the trees of the forest sing for joy.
13 Let all creation rejoice before the Lord, for he comes,
he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness
and the peoples in his faithfulness.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Spirit and Body
We are always in constant battle for the rights to ourselves. We fight for the rights of our bodies and we fight for the rights of our spirits. From a Materialists point of view, the body and it's machinations are all that matter. Anything resembling a spirit or soul is merely an evolutionary illusion. The Gnostics, then and now shun the material world, seeing the physical being as mere extra weight to be shed to get to the real self. These are two worldviews on opposite ends of the spectrum and I have oversimplified them both. But I do so to express how glorious and comprehensive Christianity is. More specific, it is Christ himself that makes the world, that makes us whole. Christ, existing in the heavenly realm, became a man to exist in the earthly realm...on Earth as it is in heaven. Materialism invites you to escape to your physical comforts. Gnosticism invites you to discard the concerns of your body, because you are in fact a spirit. Christ promises something more and something real, that your Spirit exists now and for all time and it has a body and that body, like the whole Earth will be made new. You only need to believe and upon believing invite the living and breathing Christ to rescue you from an eternity of decay.
Philippians 3
For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.
We can shed neither the Body or the Spirit we can only (attempt) to surrender. And we mustn't hold back one or the other, but both belong to God and in his hands we can be as he intended: Perfect. And even when we stray far from that perfection, we can still claim the perfection of Jesus.
2 Corinthians 5
For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2 Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, 3 because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4 For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
Philippians 3
For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.
We can shed neither the Body or the Spirit we can only (attempt) to surrender. And we mustn't hold back one or the other, but both belong to God and in his hands we can be as he intended: Perfect. And even when we stray far from that perfection, we can still claim the perfection of Jesus.
2 Corinthians 5
For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. 2 Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, 3 because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 4 For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. 5 Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
Monday, September 21, 2015
GO!
As I was praying tonight, struggling to pray for what God wanted me to pray for. It began to sink in that I don't really know God, not as well as I suggest I do. Whatever understanding I have of him now, true as it may be, it pails in comparison to all he really is. Then I was reminded of that scene in a zillion movies, at the climactic moment when one guy rushes up to another and says, "Go tell so and so, such and such." There is minimal information, but the situation is colossally important, like maybe the bad Transformers (Decepticons) weakness is in their power train warranty or something. Any way it's urgent and dangerous and the receiver of the new information has to decide if he is going to carry on the message. He looks at the other guy, short of breath and deadly serious. Will he trust him, Will he believe, Will he sacrifice his own safety to deliver the message? There's no time get the full story, to vet the information, it's do or die.
Though Christ has given me very little details, he has given me important information, life saving, and asked me to pass it on. Do I believe him? Do I trust him? Will I sacrifice my own safety?
Lord my prayer is that I can deliver the good news you have given me to the ears of those desperate to here it. We don't get to know everything, but the important things have been made abundantly clear.
You need a savior, GOD is that savior, he loves you...give yourself to him and do his will.
Though Christ has given me very little details, he has given me important information, life saving, and asked me to pass it on. Do I believe him? Do I trust him? Will I sacrifice my own safety?
Lord my prayer is that I can deliver the good news you have given me to the ears of those desperate to here it. We don't get to know everything, but the important things have been made abundantly clear.
You need a savior, GOD is that savior, he loves you...give yourself to him and do his will.
The Book of Mormon
Recently I went on a trip for work. We were staying in a hotel and ever since I was a boy, whenever I go to a hotel, the first thing I check is to see if there is a Gideons Bible in the drawer. It's more ritual than anything, but I can't help but to feel comforted every time I open that drawer and I see the Bible. It makes me feel like I am protected. It's not entirely rational, but few rituals are. This time when I opened the hotel room drawer the Holy Bible was sharing space with The Book of Mormon. Like a stranger showing up to an intimate gathering, this intruder disrupted my peace. I held the drawer open for a bit, looking perplexed, feeling like there was something to be done, but eventually I just slowly closed the drawer and began to unpack. The image hung with me, though. I decided to take a picture and maybe later figure out what was going on in my head and in my heart.
Beyond the initial disruption of the intruder, I began to wrestle with something even more uncomfortable. If I were to remove my faith, I would have a hard time explaining why one book was true and one was nonsense. I already have long standing fight with God over how crazy his book is and how irrational his ways seem. He has shown incredible patience with my rebelliousness. This leaves me in a pickle, both for myself and defending my faith: I don't have any quick, succinct solvent for why the Bible is the true and inerrant word of God and the Book of Mormon is koo koo. When folks set out to debunk the Bible, they quickly find hard to take stories of genocide, fathers killing sons and supernatural events to make their point. And thus, it's easy to lump all religions into the koo koo bin, requiring either irrational faith or intentional blindness to make it work. So if the Bible is koo koo and The Book of Mormon is koo koo, why do I believe? Why and how can anyone believe? Good question.
We were built to believe. We worship. Go to a rock concert or a Tony Robbins convention or a Fortune 500 boardroom or some dude's man cave. We all put our energy into something, making our work or our play or even our family the ultimate thing in our lives. Some of us worship ourselves. Even a confident and comfortable Atheist can't get around the need to surrender to something, or perhaps the urge to be a part of something. For me, this clearly points to how God has created us. We are built to worship and anything we worship will fall short of complete satisfaction until we worship that which we were built to worship, the one true God. For those who don't believe, this inherent desire to worship is easily explained in the chemical and scientific terms of an evolutionary need for community as a means of survival. Intellectually, I am fine with the Bible, I have accepted it. However, although I have sound arguments on the rationality of belief, equally rational arguments for not believing (though not completely satisfying) leave me feeling just a bit short. There must be a bit more. It must be a bit personal.
Do you have a hero? An idol or an icon? Who would you like to be around if given the choice? The Pope, Bono, Obama, Trump, T. Swift? I have a hard time, at my age, getting excited about celebrities. If I could drive around in a 911 with Seinfeld, that would be a dream come true. I suppose I'd be pretty excited to spend the day with Eddie Vedder. I imagine me and Pearl Jam hanging out, singing harmonies and picking guitars to all their songs, drinking cheap wine. Or if they wanted to play basketball, that would be pretty amazing. The point is that it wouldn't really matter where you were. Whatever we were doing would be incidental, it's the contact with someone you admire that makes the difference. Maybe it's a loved one that is gone that you would choose. You wouldn't really care what the context was, you would just want to see them again. When we think of Heaven, we get caught up on our own flesh or the conditions of the soil, if there will be mosquitos and if we can eat. However great we can imagine the perfect conditions to be, the reality is that Heaven is only heaven because Jesus is there. The reason people don't care about Heaven is because they don't really know who Jesus is. I make this point to stress that it is a personal relationship with Christ that defines faith. Faith is only as strong as the object of that Faith. Religion says victory is won if you have the firm conviction and strength to always have faith. Christ, who transcends religion, is the only one who says believe in me totally because I am worthy. The strength of your faith matters little, it is the object of your faith that delivers. It's not what you do, it is what he has done. Every other religion, Mormonism being a prime example, says that with enough effort you can get to God, and in fact you may become a God. The Bible only makes sense, can only be accepted and digested under the understanding of who Jesus Christ is. I didn't read the Bible to get to God. God accepted me and revealed who he really was through the Word.
So, that leaves we with all there has ever been. After all the mind numbing arguments with myself, after all the attempts to run from what I have felt and then tried to dismiss rational thought because it was uncomfortable, I am left with a Person that stands at the core of my faith. We are changed not by ideas, but by people that make ideas live. Movements aren't started by Manifestos, they are started by the stirring of another soul. Man will use influence in many different ways, but it is always the personal relationship that makes the mark. In Christ we have access to the most tender, intimate, soul quenching relationship possible. He made us, he knows what we need and he is calling us home.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Ember.
Knowledge and Wisdom seem so very different the more attempts I make at each. They are not interchangeable. One serves the other. You can gain knowledge without gaining wisdom, and it seems that you can possess wisdom in spite of lacking knowledge. The wise put knowledge to good use. The knowledgeable are only interested in knowledge. How can we be so smart and yet perceive nothing?
Mark 8. Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? 18 Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear?
There was a time when I tried very hard to separate the things in my heart from mingling with the things in my head. When I felt like it, I pursued my heart and declared that creative passions were all that mattered. And when that was tiresome, I called myself an intellect, yet I only pursued things that fell in line with what I already wanted to be true. I wasn't much of an intellect, closed minded and self serving. I've quoted this often as I think back on those years of searching for something meaningful:
“Meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain. Meaninglessness comes from being weary of pleasure.” G.K. Chesterton
There comes a point, once you've accepted that life is meaningless and love is an illusion, that you know you have to do something about it. You can't just go on half-assing your own destruction. You need to make a move to fully extract yourself from those people whose "love" you can't shake. From here some people go off, in fact, to productive lives, sterile logical and clean. Some go off to their end, take the last exit, seeing the end and not waiting for it they take matters into their own hands. The meaninglessness is too real and too much of a disappointment. Some add fuel to their own fire, engaging their own passions, because why not? These people, like Solomon, deny themselves nothing.
Ecclesiastes 2.
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
and this was the reward for all my toil.
11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
There is a naiveté in the people who think themselves wise and worldly. There is an absence of humility that is almost embarrassing. When we think of the earlier versions of ourselves, we can feel this embarrassment. The skeptics , I suppose, would say the same of those that have Faith in the unseen. Those who mock and who are careless with the concepts of good and evil, can never really be good and give great power to evil and as Chesterton says, they cannot see things how they really are: "things of that extreme evil which seem innocent to the uninitiate". That was me, making a joke of my very ruin.
Some, like me, after attempting little bits of each of these, find that nothing will suffice. The dissatisfaction that prompted me to leave, now brought me back. When I found that I was most empty and had shunned all things "good" as a sham, yet I could not help but to still ache for it. What was it then that persisted, this want of good?
"The shame that sent me off from the God I once loved, was the one that sent me into your arms." Mumford and Sons
Here in the empty unsatisfying pit of my own existence, some dim ember was found. In the cold empty space I begged for God to be real and if he was, I needed him. The door to the cold room of my heart cracked open and the ember caught fire from the rush of fresh air. From that moment on I began, so very slowly, to see the world as it really was. Full of fear and real evil, but also joy and beauty. God began to reclaim all the senses and gifts that I had previously used for gimmicks. They were now becoming super sensitive and being sharpened to be put too proper use. Love is real and so is truth. Both are unshakable no matter what means we may try to remove them. Christ found me. Before he did, I was a fully functioning human on the outside, but crumbling and hopeless on the inside. He made me new, and all that was good in me from before remained. This good was nurtured and was given new life by his power. All that was rotten has been torn out and burned clean (though I still try to bring old garbage back into this new being from time to time)
A house rehabber sometimes has to take a home down to it's barest of bones, foundations and frames. But it is still a home and still has a purpose. Sometimes God uses life and our own destructive tendencies, our hideous strength, to strip us down bare, clearing out the rot and the mold and exposing the blueprint of his intentions. There is something about us that is not us. We can try to kill it or claim it but we cannot rid ourselves of it. God will not relinquish his claim on us, yet it is up to us to surrender this right of ourselves, to him. For me, this could not happen until I was on the verge of losing everything. Yet it was a battle that was mostly within me. I wish I understood it well enough to write something concise and comprehendible, but I cannot. I guess that is why the simplest of hymns are the best. "Oh Lord my God, When I In Awesome Wonder, look upon the world thy hands have made..." Or "I surrender all!!!" or simpler yet, "I once was lost, but now am found."
Mark 8. Do you still not see or understand? Are your hearts hardened? 18 Do you have eyes but fail to see, and ears but fail to hear?
There was a time when I tried very hard to separate the things in my heart from mingling with the things in my head. When I felt like it, I pursued my heart and declared that creative passions were all that mattered. And when that was tiresome, I called myself an intellect, yet I only pursued things that fell in line with what I already wanted to be true. I wasn't much of an intellect, closed minded and self serving. I've quoted this often as I think back on those years of searching for something meaningful:
“Meaninglessness does not come from being weary of pain. Meaninglessness comes from being weary of pleasure.” G.K. Chesterton
There comes a point, once you've accepted that life is meaningless and love is an illusion, that you know you have to do something about it. You can't just go on half-assing your own destruction. You need to make a move to fully extract yourself from those people whose "love" you can't shake. From here some people go off, in fact, to productive lives, sterile logical and clean. Some go off to their end, take the last exit, seeing the end and not waiting for it they take matters into their own hands. The meaninglessness is too real and too much of a disappointment. Some add fuel to their own fire, engaging their own passions, because why not? These people, like Solomon, deny themselves nothing.
Ecclesiastes 2.
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
and this was the reward for all my toil.
11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
There is a naiveté in the people who think themselves wise and worldly. There is an absence of humility that is almost embarrassing. When we think of the earlier versions of ourselves, we can feel this embarrassment. The skeptics , I suppose, would say the same of those that have Faith in the unseen. Those who mock and who are careless with the concepts of good and evil, can never really be good and give great power to evil and as Chesterton says, they cannot see things how they really are: "things of that extreme evil which seem innocent to the uninitiate". That was me, making a joke of my very ruin.
Some, like me, after attempting little bits of each of these, find that nothing will suffice. The dissatisfaction that prompted me to leave, now brought me back. When I found that I was most empty and had shunned all things "good" as a sham, yet I could not help but to still ache for it. What was it then that persisted, this want of good?
"The shame that sent me off from the God I once loved, was the one that sent me into your arms." Mumford and Sons
Here in the empty unsatisfying pit of my own existence, some dim ember was found. In the cold empty space I begged for God to be real and if he was, I needed him. The door to the cold room of my heart cracked open and the ember caught fire from the rush of fresh air. From that moment on I began, so very slowly, to see the world as it really was. Full of fear and real evil, but also joy and beauty. God began to reclaim all the senses and gifts that I had previously used for gimmicks. They were now becoming super sensitive and being sharpened to be put too proper use. Love is real and so is truth. Both are unshakable no matter what means we may try to remove them. Christ found me. Before he did, I was a fully functioning human on the outside, but crumbling and hopeless on the inside. He made me new, and all that was good in me from before remained. This good was nurtured and was given new life by his power. All that was rotten has been torn out and burned clean (though I still try to bring old garbage back into this new being from time to time)
A house rehabber sometimes has to take a home down to it's barest of bones, foundations and frames. But it is still a home and still has a purpose. Sometimes God uses life and our own destructive tendencies, our hideous strength, to strip us down bare, clearing out the rot and the mold and exposing the blueprint of his intentions. There is something about us that is not us. We can try to kill it or claim it but we cannot rid ourselves of it. God will not relinquish his claim on us, yet it is up to us to surrender this right of ourselves, to him. For me, this could not happen until I was on the verge of losing everything. Yet it was a battle that was mostly within me. I wish I understood it well enough to write something concise and comprehendible, but I cannot. I guess that is why the simplest of hymns are the best. "Oh Lord my God, When I In Awesome Wonder, look upon the world thy hands have made..." Or "I surrender all!!!" or simpler yet, "I once was lost, but now am found."
Friday, September 4, 2015
St. Stephen of Mar Sabas: Art Thou Weary?
(It takes some effort to get through the language, but this old hymn lays out perfectly...so beautiful. The translation by John Mason Neale gets much of the credit. Here's a modern update by Jon Yerby. http://music.thejourney.org/track/art-thou-weary )
Art thou weary, art thou languid,
Art thou sore distress'd?
"Come to me," saith One, "and, coming,
Be at rest."
Hath he marks to lead me to him,
If he be my Guide?
"In his feet and hands are wound-prints,
And his side."
Is there diadem, as Monarch,
That his brow adorns?
"Yea, a crown, in very surety,
But of thorns."
If I find him, if I follow,
What his guerdon here?
"Many a sorrow, many a labor,
Many a tear."
If I still hold closely to him,
What hath he at last?
"Sorrow vanquished, labor ended,
Jordan passed."
If I ask him to receive me,
Will he say me nay?
"Not till earth and not till heaven
Pass away."
Finding, following, keeping, struggling,
Is he sure to bless?
"Saints, apostles, prophets, martyrs
Answer, 'Yes.'"
Art thou weary, art thou languid,
Art thou sore distress'd?
"Come to me," saith One, "and, coming,
Be at rest."
Hath he marks to lead me to him,
If he be my Guide?
"In his feet and hands are wound-prints,
And his side."
Is there diadem, as Monarch,
That his brow adorns?
"Yea, a crown, in very surety,
But of thorns."
If I find him, if I follow,
What his guerdon here?
"Many a sorrow, many a labor,
Many a tear."
If I still hold closely to him,
What hath he at last?
"Sorrow vanquished, labor ended,
Jordan passed."
If I ask him to receive me,
Will he say me nay?
"Not till earth and not till heaven
Pass away."
Finding, following, keeping, struggling,
Is he sure to bless?
"Saints, apostles, prophets, martyrs
Answer, 'Yes.'"
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