The following is a collection of unvarnished thoughts. It is disjointed and nearly unedited, so it doesn't flow together. But it is an expression of where I am at this point and time.
"What's wrong with America is that people stopped going to church...they took prayer out of schools...they endorsed alternative lifestyles...they, they, they....." This is a sentiment that I have heard often throughout my life. Those in the American Christian and Evangelical Institutions asserting that all the perceived "ills" of the world have been brought on by the world turning away from God. What never ever happens is that the "church" accepts any responsibility for either the "ills" or the reason why church had become unappealing.
In my corporate restaurant life, there would be ups and downs. In the ups, the leadership group would point to the decisions they made that led to our triumph In the downs, so, so predictably, leadership would always point to external causes: competition, the economy or some other unseen force. But it was never because we simply failed to serve.
I find myself once again estranged from Religion and Church.
"I heard you guys were struggling with your faith..."
"Say what? What do you mean, who said we were struggling with our faith?"
"Well, not struggling, but just questioning your beliefs."
"Nope. What do you mean? You mean because we stopped attending church?"
"Yea, I guess. You're like anti-church now, right? 'Deconstructing'?"
"Well, maybe...kind of...but I find it interesting that halting one activity that is only part of a believers life would equate to you that I have abandoned my faith. If anything, it is because of my faith that I can not participate in the American Christian Church."
I've wanted to write something for a while on the subject of "Church". I wanted to document this moment in my journey. I've used this blog as my journal as I have changed and grown and thought about my beliefs. It is hard to write because I have no hard and fast convictions at the moment. It feels like uncertainty, but without the uncertainty. The beliefs that do feel firm are pretty simple and don't require much explanation. "Love God with your heart, soul and mind. Love your neighbor." Like the book says, everything swings on those beliefs. I suppose I could talk about why Jesus remains at the center of my faith, but I feel like I've been down that road. The uncertainty has to do with the American Church. And it is hard to get into my feelings and emotions without also wanting to tear it down. And that is something I absolutely do not want to do. I don't know enough. I don't know anything really. And I don't want to degrade all the joy and growth I have gotten from my time in Church. I cannot rip out the weeds without also destroying the flowers. In certain areas, they are just too intertwined. What I will attempt to do is talk about my frustrations and disappointments.
I have never been comfortable with church and I've always been skeptical of organized religion. When I was 17 and semi-rebellious, breaking away from my deeply religious family roots just made sense. Later, as I came back to my faith in my 30's I dismissed my teen angst toward religious organizations. "I was just running from Jesus." But now that I am nearing 50, with 15 years of submitted "churching" behind me I can see that that 17 year old boy wasn't completely wrong. What he felt was a deep disconnection between what was supposed to be and what actually is. This is the problem for any individual that feels any kind of moral purpose. Like Romans says, "For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. " Any person that has tried to be good knows the dilemma of finding out that they are a hypocrite. But what I sensed as a boy and what is a little clearer now is that the church has a way of justifying and promoting it's own bad behavior. Perhaps it's more subtle than Jim and Tammy Baker, but perhaps not. I believe that churches are filled with good people trying to do good things. People are messy and fallen and ultimately will go astray. What happens in churches though is that as power and influence increase, accountability fades. The individual that goes astray will usually face some conviction of conscious or a real world consequence. When organizations seek power and influence, they cannot avoid creating a culture that promotes the accumulation of that power and influence. And even though your stated mission is good, like "Spreading the Gospel", you will end up justifying abuses because of your stated mission.
The church my family attended for 10 + years was an amazing experience. We were fresh new Christians growing as individuals at the same pace as this thriving Mega Church. I have no regrets for those years. So much Joy, Grace, and Forgiveness. So much Love and Goodness. But what was always present and what I myself was complicit in was the Cult of Personality built up around the Lead Pastor. He was brilliant, funny, charismatic and seemingly theologically sound. What I know about myself now is that I am drawn to influence and power. I was drawn to him. I was happy to see him thrive and write books and lead conferences and be a man of influence. Pride and power drove me more than the stated mission. It's easy when you can call the consumption and power "Good". You already know how the story goes for the Pastor even if you don't know the Pastor. Eventually there is a moral failing of some sort, doesn't really matter. We want it to be salacious and sexual or worse because it allows us to sit in judgement and if the sin is really bad, then we can pin all of our complicity on this one person. We were all responsible for putting this one man in a position that was doomed to fail. But when the failure hit, the church was fine in letting it all fall on him. Don't get me wrong, he was deep in the weeds of his own sin and abuse. But what has stuck with me about those years is that the church leadership, the elders and the congregation took no responsibility in the fall. We were willing to accept the growth and money and influence, but not willing to accept that we had created a system in which moral compromise came so easy.
That was my individual story. Evident in the patterns of that one church are the patterns that allow abuse in the greater worldwide church. What Covid permitted in me and so many others is a little distance. That little distance allowed a little awareness. The political and social environment added a little pressure and urgency and revealed cause and effect in our systems. There doesn't need to be a conspiracy to allow evil to flourish. All you need it like-minded people in positions of power that behave in a way that consolidates and protects their power. There are no shortage of people that will facilitate this corruption for their own status increase. It become all the more sad when this happens in the name of good or God. The American Church has devoted so much time and resources in persecuting homosexuals, explicitly excluding people from the grace of God (as if they could). And for what I ask? The American Church, in these very politically charged times sought to protect itself and promote it's own rights above all. Goodness, I really don't want to get into all that stuff. It's not completely fair and it it doesn't apply to all churches. But what is troublesome is that no matter what we hear about churches and pastors, either locally or nationally, has very little to do with I understand about the Gospel, Grace, Love and Forgiveness. Self Promotion and Self Protection are the major themes.
Coming into the pandemic was like coming out of a fog for me. Over the past few years I had become increasingly unsettled by my experience in church and in the Christian community. Theological discussions I had once enjoyed started to seem petty and small. What the pause of the pandemic allowed was a bit of distance and a bit of time to see what was real. What resulted felt like being brought out of a cult. I've watched too many documentaries on cults I admit. Also, I'm not saying that Christian Churches are cults. However, there are overlaps. There are similar manipulations. The use of emotions and trauma to bond congregants together. The isolation into a culture of like-minded groups. The rejection of the world at large. And this should be the biggest red-flag, but never is: the worship of individual personalities and the consolidation of power and influence by the leaders. All of this happens in the name of God.
Reasons for distrust of Church:
1. Distrust of Authority. Loathing of Rules for the sake of Rules. I cannot participate in events that are inconsistent, unproductive or do not have a reason for existing.
2. Desire for authenticity. Either we are dependent and surrendered or we are not.
3. Hypocrisy. No human escapes hypocrisy, but the church is supposed to be better and most of the time it's worse.
4. Institutional abuse, manipulation, political protectionism.
5. Reduction of the Glory of God. This may be the saddest thing that happens in Churches. We take the immensity of God, who exists outside of time, creator of all and we give him boring short sighted tasks. Religion reduces by it's very nature. We make God small. We do this for a variety of reasons, none of them good, most based on fear and control.
Here is a thought experiment, although I don't know how productive it is, but it may give some insight on what we have experienced.
