Burden.

 I spend a lot of time thinking about Burden.  I think about how much I have, how much I want to get rid of, what I should take on and what I should let go.  My gut reaction to any situation is based on the feeling of Burden.  In my wiring it seems that my primary objective is to remove it.  My being wants to be in a position in which I require nothing, and nothing is required of me.  This disposition has consequences of course.  Loneliness, boredom, manipulation and anxiety are just some of the burdens that pop up from trying to avoid Burden. 

Loneliness: If I remove myself from engagement, this can leave me alone.  While this is something I often crave, it also leaves me cold and hard to reach.

Boredom:  Being alone means being alone, there is just no getting around it.  Nothing to do means that there is nothing to do.

Manipulation:  A person that seeks to avoid burden, much like a person who seeks control or power, must use others to achieve their goals.  If I am to avoid responsibilities, then that responsibility falls on someone else.  The danger of being forceful or assertive in this effort to remove burdens is that you may seem like a leader type, which only brings more expectation.  Therefore, subtle manipulation is the best way forward for a guy like me.

Anxiety: Of course, no matter what your issues are, anxiety is present for most if not all of us.  The anxiety of expectation, what others want from me and what they expect can be debilitating.

I’m not proud of these things I have come to know about myself.  I’d very much like to be free of the hurdles that keep me from growing into a more compassionate, kind and generous human being.  I suppose this little confession is part of the effort to get there.  Well, not get there, but get a little further down the path.

Whatever our individual struggles with our own nature might be, it is the individuality itself that seems to compound our weaknesses.  In our American Morality we prize individuality above all.  We fight for the freedom for each individual to do whatever they want.  Our culture seems extraordinarily tolerant of bad behavior in order to preserve liberty.  There has never been a culture so focused on the rights of the individual.  This individual focus is in direct conflict with the Gospel.  Americans praise our own right to worship how we want.  But it seems we do exactly that, we praise our rights more than we actually worship.  Jesus Christ is indeed a personal God and I have been saved as an individual.  However, the goal is not individuality.  I am saved as a person to a body, to a community, to his Church.  In this body of Christ, the goal is to become less and less of myself and more and more of Him, Jesus that saved me. 

In John 3, John the Baptist is being questioned by his followers about Jesus.  The Baptist sees the big picture clearer than anyone else and knows his own position in relation to the Christ.  And that gives him Joy!

John answered, “A person cannot receive even one thing unless it is given him from heaven. 28 You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, ‘I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him.’ 29 The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. 30 He must increase, but I must decrease.”

In my sin I think only of me.  The truth is that in thinking only of myself, I increase my own Burden. In this process of discovering who Jesus Christ is and what he has done, one can achieve the ultimate unburdening.  In Christ is the ultimate freedom because I don’t consider myself at all.  You see it is not the actual physical or emotional burdens that enslave, it is our efforts to hold on or avoid these burdens that enslave us.  It is the focus that defines our way forward.  In Jesus Christ we have the ultimate and complete removal of Burden.  On the cross he takes away the very sin of the world, he takes my individual sin upon himself that I might be set free.  And being set free doesn’t mean I become more of an individual, it means I become more surrendered to his will.   Being relieved of my Burdens by Christ doesn’t mean that I have less to do, it means that he gives me the Joy to act.  I can Care and Engage and Sacrifice and Serve because Salvation means that I have truly been set free to become what I was meant to be.  Not comfortable and in control, but overwhelmed with purpose and love. 

Galatians 5 - ¹³ My brothers and sisters, God chose you to be free. But don’t use your freedom as an excuse to do what pleases your sinful selves. Instead, serve each other with love. 

Here's a Story, of a man named...

Learning that you have an admirer is equal parts frightening and exhilarating.  I learned most of what I know about secret admirers from the Brady Bunch.  My generations “binge-watching” was not on demand.  We watched whatever was on whenever it was on.  So, after school it might be a line-up of Hogan’s Heroes, Good Times and Too Close for Comfort.  But the staple of every after school line up was the Brady Bunch.  In the Secret Admirer episode of the Brady Bunch, Bobby creates an imaginary Secret Admirer for his sister Cindy.  He felt bad for her and wanted to make her feel special, to make her feel mature.  Like any good Sit Com plot, the effort was misguided and sweet and resolved in a half-hour.  I don’t think I ever had a secret admirer, but I do remember with intense anxiety that grade school feeling of wondering if someone, please god anyone “likes” you.  Like, “like” likes you.  Does any of us escape that angst, that pain of wondering if we will be liked, or loved, or known?

It’s not such a simple equation either.  I remember the status that came with the possibility of who might like you.  If it was someone that was gross or unpopular, then common knowledge of their admiration might make you gross or unpopular.  I remember the despair of being a child worried about status and consumed with being liked and trying so hard to be popular.  I think it’s why there are so many successful Dystopian Young Adult novels.  It’s because childhood, even in a privileged environment like mine, can feel like evolutionary survival, where we are pitted one against another for limited resources.  In this case the resource was approval.  And since Gen X was the generation before parents lavished their kids with praise, approval was a rare commodity. 

Imagine if you could express love without fear.  Imagine if we could just love without expectation.  Imagine if we could receive love without worrying about the cost.

The thrill of a Secret Admirer comes from a deep desire to be wanted.  Even if it’s a secret, just knowing that someone wants us and lift our spirits and our sense of worth.  It’s almost better to not know who wants you, because, like a Schrodinger’s Admirer, until you learn who it is, it could in fact be anyone.  And you will assume your own worth based on the status of the one who wants you.  As a restaurant manager for many years, it was no special thing to be recruited.  Any restaurant manager has value in that hard business.  Surviving makes you valuable.  Showing up makes you a star.  So, while being recruited by a head-hunter didn’t make you special, I still got a thrill when I received those calls or emails.  “Hey Scott, I saw your resume and wanted to reach out.  We have a Restaurant Company, I can’t say who right now, but they are expanding in your area and looking for talent at your level.”  “Wow!” I’d think, nearly every single time.  Someone has finally heard about my work, and some well run, supportive and great paying operation needs me.  Inevitably, I’d learn about the “opportunity” and who the company was.  Learning the identity of your Secret Restaurant Admirer usually diminished the excitement.  Typically, it was the same 3 companies and they all had terrible reputation.  So I usually deflated and stuck with what I knew.  But still, the thrill contains hope.  And that Hope speaks to something bigger.  That something bigger is not always something you can verbalize or internalize or even react appropriately.  Whether it’s a Secret Admirer, A glance across a crowded room, or a recruiter making a 100 phone calls a day, there is a longing within you (And it’s more than evolution).  Does anyone want me? Will someone Love me?  Can I be known? 

On the surface, all religion appears the same.  As a Christian, I participate in Christianity.  And sadly, most of those practices do feel the same as other religions.  It’s a lot of busy work based on very human needs.  We often lose the transcendence because life is hard and we are flawed.  But loving and being loved by Jesus Christ is something else entirely.  Christianity hinges on Christ, obviously.  He gives so much more than changed behavior or being good.  He offers something so much more than religious control.  It’s about something so big it encompasses the Universe.  But it’s also about something so small, that it encompasses each person’s individual heart.  Christ came to save all, but he also came to save you.  In this way, belief in Jesus Christ speaks to our desire to be wanted, known and loved. 

I began this train of thought reflecting on my own journey.  When I first came to believe in Jesus, I thought that “belief” in him meant that I had somehow gained all knowledge.  I was so arrogant and obnoxious in my new belief because I thought I had transcended the world itself.  What my behavior dictated in those early years of belief was that, “Now I have Jesus, YOU should follow ME!”  A lot has changed since then, but I’m still a fool in a lot of ways.  What I missed in those early moments was the very layered revelation that I had an admirer.  I had someone that loved me.  The excitement of my new life led me to grand ideas of my path forward.  The reality, which should have produced humility, was that the I was only at the very beginning of knowing something.  Just believing in Jesus made me feel like I had everything figured out, but the only knowledge I gained was his name.  Like anything worthwhile, the path forward is challenging, yet so rewarding.

In grade school, once you learn the identity of your admirer everything changes.  But the knowledge will change the course of that relationship, for good or for bad.  You will feel worth or despair based on the identity of that person.  You will only grow, if you choose to get to know that person in earnest.  It is the same with Christ.  Except that his perfection and grace change the dynamics completely.  If Jesus reveals himself to you and you can somehow manage to believe that you are loved, unlike grade-school, it has nothing to do with your lovability or whether you have earned it or not.  God is Love, and you have worth simply because he loves you.  That is a hard thing to accept on many levels.  In some ways it seems cheap.  “Jesus loves me this I know?  I want to be loved because I am great!”  In other ways it seems costly.  “How can he love someone like me?  I’ll never be able to make it up to him.”  No matter the condition of your heart when you first suspect that God is real, everything will certainly change once you believe that there is someone who loves you, who knows you and his name is Jesus. 

What you do from there, from that treacherous moment, is a choice.   Being loved isn’t an end, but a beginning.  You must pursue the relationship.  You must endeavor to know this man who is God.  You will not gain all knowledge in that first acceptance.  But you will begin to discover real wisdom.  We’ve all heard the religious clichés hundreds of times: “God so loved the word and Jesus Loves you”.  And for a lot of us, for many years that may mean nothing.  If and when you can accept the possibility to believe it’s true, then you can begin the real depth of relationship.  Your parents or guardians love you well before you can even conceptualize them as real people.  It is the same with Christ and that is why it is so important that God became a man in Jesus.  It means that once you become curious about his claims, you can then pursue a relationship.  Because he is God, you can be saved.  Because he is Man, you can know him.  Maybe that is why Heaven is eternity.  It will take that long for you to get to know him.  And isn’t that the thrill of love, getting to know someone who loves you?