A friend is struggling with Doubt. Doubt that God exists or if he does exist, wondering is he really good? These doubts are coming after a sustained period of growth and healing in Christ. Part of the pain of Doubt is the pile of why's that it generates. But that's part of the Beauty of Doubt as well. Doubt is an invitation to explore your Faith.
As we grow in our Faith, Christ provides for us exactly what we need for the time we need it. There is only so much we can take in our first stages of spiritual maturity. Paul hints at this here.
Corinthians 3:2
Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. 2 I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready.
When someone is learning and healing and growing in Christ it is because they are getting what they need from the people around them, being gently led by the spirit and being fed by the simple milk that is good for an infant. However, as we grow, that milk once enough to provide everything is not enough. The world is a complex place and as we try to apply the truth we have learned as a child to more difficult situations we find that it is not satisfying as it once was. The pain and broken-ness of the world drains the hope that once fueled our growth. All of the sudden the simple answers of Jesus fall short. We begin to question, even blame him for being deceived. What's harder to see is that we have stopped growing. We got a little bit of Jesus and decided we knew everything about him and now we are mad because the version of Jesus that we knew is now not working. It's not because he is not enough, it's because our understanding. 1 + 1 will always be 2. And when we are doing addition and subtraction, this is enough. However, when multiplication is thrust upon us the simplicity of addition is useless and worse yet, it can feel like a lie. It's also like this: We are in the dark, we get a flashlight. This flashlight is our first glimpse of who Jesus is. As a new/growing Christian we are really excited because we can see. We see everything differently! After a while that flashlight proves inadequate for living. And instead of trying to increase our light we get mad at the flashlight. We get mad that God made us so that we can't see in the dark! We feel betrayed, angry and foolish. From there we begin to doubt.
Skepticism, at it's core, is a desire for light brought on by a distrust of the dark. Someone who is very skeptical has had experience with false or poor lighting. At that point it can be hard to trust the validity of any light. This skepticism, this transition into doubt can be good and glorious thing. In a very real way, our journey into doubt is God's invitation to receive more light. The hard part is that we have to lay our little flashlight down. That can be scary, because even though this flashlight, this comfortable belief system is now proving to be not enough, we still love it and are nostalgic for it. It's done a lot for us. This is real loss and that can make us angry. That can fuel our doubt even more. We love the comforts of our innocence. Our blanket that we used as a child no longer covers us now, but we still hold that tiny blanket, breath it in and remember when things were simpler, when we were safer and when we first believed.
Real growth in Christ has no safety net. We must come to the realization that we don't know everything about Jesus. If we can come to terms with that, it can urge us forward. We must say, "I don't know Jesus like I thought I did," which is a loss and a conviction "but oh my God, it's possible to learn more!". Indeed, it's possible to go on learning about our infinite Jesus every day of our lives. That is exhilarating. It's also exhausting. The only way we have a shot at doing this is in God's power. And, well, that's hard too. We want it to be our work, our flashlight, we want him to help us, but we seldom want him to rule us.
So our doubt bids us to give up on our flashlight. Maybe we try some night vision goggles or learn how to feel our way around using sonar. We become proud of ourselves and our ingenuity. Maybe we don't need Jesus. Maybe that flashlight we had was an illusion and didn't really help us at all. The world is just dark and the sooner I get used to that the happier I will be. But there is a place in our Doubt when clever answers aren't enough either. We begin to crave the light and ache for day break. In this tender and special time, Jesus allows us the time to push and question that we might wrestle and shrug off the scales that were blinding our eyes or hindering our vision. Still in the dark, craving the light, we yield again to him in repentance. In that moment, brighter than the sun, Christ reveals the glory of his love. While Jesus is always Jesus, we are always limited in our ability to receive him. But coming through the other side of this doubt we will have found our systems upgraded, our flashlight a bit brighter and a bit more useful and perhaps even our ability to see in the dark is a bit better. More and more we will realize that when we truly look for him, we will always see the light. If we are looking for answers apart from him, our vision will always be inadequate.
Corinthians 13
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
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