Wives, Submit!

"Hey Wives, Respect.  Respect is something that a man just needs to be given." -Approximate quote from Sunday's sermon.  I felt my older daughters, 16 and 12 clinch and cringe.  I cringed at their cringing.  I was a pretty sensitive guy to begin with, but having 4 sisters and now raising 3 daughters has only sharpened that sensitivity.  Without even realizing it, the pastor was slighting the female position with this comment, suggesting that men "just need" that respect to function as the headship.  That may even be true, but really who doesn't need or crave respect?  Respect is a recognition of the inherent dignity in God's creation.  When I asked my oldest about the comment later, she said in a mocking voice "Oh no, I'm a man and I'm not getting respected."  It's a delicate matter.  I believe in the Bible's view of Male headship in marriage, family and church.  But I also believe it is my responsibility to raise strong, Christ Loving leaders.  Men and woman have clear differences and many stereotypes hold true, even when we don't want them to.  However, I think the church and it's leaders need to do some more work on the idea of male headship and the complimentary nature of marriage, mining out what is true and what is preference.

My wife and I have fairly traditional roles as a married couple.  She is a nurse by trade, but as soon as we could we did what we could to have her stay home with the kids while I worked.  We did so based on each of our needs and desires.  I'm really not that traditional of a guy, but I do like to work and I do feel a traditional need to provide for and protect my family.  My wife has always wanted to be a mother.  It is very natural, considering that she grew and carried these people insider her that she would want to be there to watch over their continued growth and protection.  Over 20 years, sometimes intentional but mostly by adjustment, we have learned to compliment each other.  I have the nominal Headship of the family, but that has come about as a discovery of each of our needs.  I wasn't very good at leading my family for a long time.  That's because I didn't really know what it meant.  My wife very much wanted me to lead, but she didn't know what that really meant either.  If we are to follow Christ's example, then we see that leadership means service and sacrifice.  And I can only serve my wife and family if I know what their needs are.  That service is going to look different in different relationships.  Different couples have different needs and a complimentary relationship is going to take different forms based on the needs and strengths of the wife and husband.  I say all of that to say that my children have grown up in a pretty traditional household, but it is a household that doesn't put a greater value on any role, whether it be provider, protector, care-taker, educator, counselor, or discipline-giver.

The church rightly acknowledges Male-Headship in the marriage covenant, but then makes the mistake of assigning certain needs or deference's to be given to the man because of that.  Headship and Leadership is a role, a much needed role.  Just as care-taking and household management are needed.  The determining of these roles is something that both the husband and wife must agree on and then both submit.  Each of us has needs for respect and security.  A pastor might say, "Husbands, your wives need security."  This is true, but much like the issue of respect, who doesn't crave security?  If we view this marriage covenant as complimentary, then we can go about figuring out each others needs and strengths and providing a space where each of us is getting closer to the best version of ourselves, the version Christ intended for us.

  Roles are important though.  I was recently having a conversation with my boss and we were talking about the effects of authority on communication.  Specifically we were discussing how someone might change how they communicate based on the authority figure involved.  He said, "You don't view me as an authority over you, do you, we work together, right?"   It was an interesting comment, because he is very comfortable being in charge, but he does so for the benefit of others.  He truly wants everyone to win, therefore it is difficult for him to see how his authority might effect others behavior towards him.  In the moment I realized that not only do I view him as an authority over me, but I want that authority over me.  I need him to be the boss.  In a similar way, the people that work for me need me to be the boss in order to perform their roles.  On a fundamental level, I don't value him more than any other person in the workplace.  But we have, in a sense, agreed upon these roles and it is important that we submit to each other in these roles for things to work properly.  I spend almost all of my time serving others in my job: the people I work for, the people that work for me and the customers we serve and yet, it is clear what I will be held responsible for is greater than what they will be held responsible for.  In 2015, the role of a man and women as provider, protector, care-taker, educator, counselor, or discipline-giver is very different than when Paul wrote in Ephesians.  However the idea that man and woman should compliment each other remains.  If I may be so bold as to suggest that the idea that the man should be held accountable for his flock remains and that Church leaders will be held accountable for their flock remains.  This doesn't give the male special privileges and it doesn't let females off the hook either, it simply points to an order that has been in place since Adam and Eve.

It is hard, especially in these times for a wife to submit to her husband.  But guess what, it is hard for any of us to submit to anything that tells us that we are not the gods of our own kingdom.  I don't know how to take a concept that has been so badly misused to suppress and control and take away those negative connotations.  All I can do is trust in Christ, who is restoring all things.  His ways are not my ways and I must trust in what I cannot see and cannot understand.  But I do so, affirming that he is the one that has granted ALL of us grace and value because he loves us and because we are made in his image.

We must know what each other need before we attempt to deliver.  Offering protection to someone that doesn't want it is an insult.  Submitting to someone who doesn't know how to lead is chaotic.  Expecting someone to be a nurturer when they can't stop picking fights is foolish.  This dance of husband and wife is a subtle one.  It takes a lifetime of gentle correction to get to a point where you both know the same dance.  We each come into a relationship with our own music and our own ideas of how we should dance.  Unity isn't about imposing your will, it is about letting your partner teach you how to be a better version of you.  Two people, dancing, is an agreement to try to dance the same dance.  Imagine if there were a trusted teacher with a greater knowledge of the dance and ourselves that were over-seeing our union.  Jesus Christ provides the music and the rhythm and encouragement and the reason to accomplish this unity.

Ephesians 5:22-33New International Version (NIV)

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.